Old people LOOK so sweet.

So....I was sitting this morning in the garden of our local garden centre in the sunshine and this older gentleman with a cane and a newspaper comes out and sits down at another table, I look up and smile 'it's too nice to sit inside isn't it?' he says. Awww what a lovely old man I think to myself and return to my book 'Fucks sake.' I hear him mutter under his breath as he has an altercation with the wobbly table he's sitting down at. I have a bit of a giggle at that and continue reading. Before long his wife joins him with a tray of tea...she's forgotten something (napkins) so he goes up to get them, upon his return she calls 'Eric...Eric....you need sugar as well!' 'Fuck sake!' Eric mutters under his breath and off he goes to get them...by this time the tables out here are become quite full, Eric returns with his napkins and sugar and sits down to read his paper...whilst reading his paper Eric looks up to warn a lady that the table she's about to sit at is wobbly...smiles at children playing...seems all round really charming but then under his breath (well....more like a stage whisper) whilst looking at his paper he says 'errrrgh fucking disgusting!' 'What?' says his wife 'women with tattoos!' he says.....'oooooh yeah' she says 'disgusting!' he then proceeds to point out a (slightly tattooed) lady at another table and says 'like 'er over there! DISGUSTING!'

Haaaaaaa Eric; I have one thing to say to you Sir 'Nyeeeeeeeeear ya old git!'

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My Dad's bigger than your Dad. (The modern day version)

Oh my god! 😂😂 kids are so funny;

Walking up from dropping the boy at school this morning, and all these little kids are walking in, this little girl (who was about 5, 6 at the most) turns to her mate and goes, face completely deadpan 'I don't even like my Mum.' I wonder if her Mum knows! Wonder if the poor cow deserves that? Probably bought cornflakes instead of coco pops! Makes me wonder what mine say about me?!

I've been walking up the road since carrying on their conversation in my head;
 'I don't even like my mum'
'yeah?! Well...MY Nan's a bitch!'
'Yeah well MY mum calls my Dad a fat fuck under her breath when she thinks I'm not  listening!'
'Yeah...well MY Mum sniffs glue!'
'Yeah...well MY brother's got leprosy and his FACE fell off!'

Appropriately dressed

It's one of those mornings where I'm so tired, I'm silently congratulating myself (whilst looking down at my feet) for wearing matching shoes, walking down the road smoothing the back of my (hairy) cardigan over my bum purely to check if I have a sock/pair of knickers (a discarded coathanger/pet dog/small child) attached and hanging there for all to see where I grabbed it from the washing pile this morning and threw it on without checking....having got to where I'm going I'm checking I'm not sporting a toothpaste dribble on my chin or a bogey hanging from my nose (oh don't be disgusted nobody wakes up perfect!) in the mirror in the bathroom after having rushed out of the door running late. Now I'm sitting in public discreetly feeling for the label in the back of the neck of my top to check if it's the right way round. You'll be pleased to know all is as it should be (this time) but I feel I deserve a high 5.

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SpongeBob

Are you an emotional sponge? Do you find you absorb other people's negitivity; if somebody walks in the door in a foul mood can you feel their foul mood slowly seeping under your skin like an unwelcome illness, can you catch misery like it's a cold? Do you absorb other people's bad feeling and wear it as if it's your own like a borrowed coat? STOP IT!  You are NOT spongebob! That coat is NOT yours! It's not even NICE! It doesn't even suit you! My advice is to take a leaf out of our friend the hippy's book and avoid negitive people but if you can't skip away burning joss sticks muttering 'baaaad viiiibes maaaan' spongebob is NOT a good look on a grown arse woman...ALSO buy a new coat!

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Dear Internet

Dear Internet,

I'm shattered, I'm knackered, strung out, exhausted, done in, sleepy, fuzzy, stick a fork in me I'm DONE!!! But does the universe care? No. Everything that needs doing still has to be done. The uniforms aren't going to magically wash themselves (where's Molly Weasly when you need her?!) there are no cutely animated forest animals coming to help ME clean MY house and prepare our dinner (that bitch Snow White gets all the luck!) Super nanny is NOT coming to entertain MY kids (coz my kids say please and thank-you) and Mary poppins (the fucker) is NOT coming to run round after my poorly husband. TOUGH TITS! This here is reality sweetheart so I'm afraid it's time to 'grow some balls' 'suck it up buttercup!' 'put your big girl pants on!' drink a gallon of coffee....if only I could hook up some sort of drip system 'Get down off your horse and drink your milk' (yeah I never got it either) and get the fuck on with it!

My naked face and me

Today I decided to to go without make up, no I wasn't staying in, I've been out, in the world, and spoken to actual people, no they didn't flinch, gag, recoil in horror (well not that I saw) nobody ran away.

I woke up this morning and thought 'fuck it' I'm not doing it! I'm not caking my face in various products, I'm not filling wrinkles, covering spots, changing the colour of my skin, painting my lashes a different colour, making my cheeks rosey, I will not give my eyes wings, or paint my lips red. I'm going to go bare faced instead! (The cheek of it!) Coz at the risk of scaring the children/looking old/tired/ordinary THIS is my face! This is what I actually look like, I'm quite fond of it really, it's served me quite well, so today I rewarded it by taking it on an outing into the world in all of it's naked glory. My naked face and me.

Well it IS almost Halloween.

Mum minions

I could do with there being say...5 of me. Like Mum clones you know? Walking talking versions of myself that aren't capable of free thinking, so I can just use them as my minions, send them off on mum missions, so there is always enough of me to go around coz I'm feeling thinly spread, Imagine the possibilities! I'd be FREE to do things like SLEEP!!!! Or get PISSED whilst my minions were doing school runs, cleaning, attending various appointments with various dependants

This week has been a week of appointments, so far we've had the emergency Dr's, the hospital, the paediatrician, the orthodontists, the chiropodists, and the SENCO...(why can they not stagger some of the appointments over the 6 week holiday rather than trying to cram them all into the first week of school?!) I could quite happily go a good few months without seeing another professional....imagine if I never had to again! Imagine if I could just send a Mum minion and they could take minutes/summarise it for me, cut through all the waffle!

It feels like there are a hell of a lot more than just the five of us this week, perhaps there are! Perhaps someone in my house has already started the cloning without me! Perhaps I really DO have 500 kids!