Where the fuck is my fairy godmother at?

Do you ever think to yourself whilst you're feeling like dog shit from some bug or another but you're still getting up to your kid ALL night (up and down, up and down like a mother trucking yo-yo) coz let's be honest there's nobody else to pick up the slack! Or when you're trying to get your kids washed, fed, watered, dressed and packed ready for school on zero sleep (like you could actually audition for a part in a zombie movie minus the make up.) or whilst you managed a whole day on zero sleep and you're feeling like something the cat's dragged in (and by all accounts you've done a sterling job of not falling asleep standing up ALL day...not even once!) and your eyes are literally BEGGING to be closed (you've actually considered using matchsticks...however painful it looks) but you still have to make an dinner interesting that's wholesome enough to satisfy your family, help with homework, bath the kids, do the bedtime routine, iron uniforms, pack lunches, wash up...and feed the cat....and even though they are all individually little jobs... they at that moment feel like the equivalent of climbing mount  kilamanjaro...do you ever think to yourself; 'Where the FUCK is MY fairy godmother?! That little bitch is late....!'

knowing my luck...we get the fairy god mother we deserve...and mine is DRUNK in a skip somewhere.

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The epiphany

I'm not sure when the optimum time to have one is, but there seem to be a lot of people waiting until they're past the 30 mark to have them...some individuals are a little more evolved and have them younger I'm sure, and some are a little later and society likes to try and shoe horn them into the midlife crisis category! 'Have you seen Sheila has got a tattoo?!' Or 'Simon's bought a motorbike!' well she/he must be having a mid life crisis! I personally prefer the term epiphany.

I'm talking about the moment you wake up and think; Oh hold up! Stop! Excuse me how do I get off? Where's the emergency cord? Is there a little box with glass I should smash?! HELP! This is NOT my life! This is not the way it was supposed to go! I am not the person I imagined I'd be, whose is this house?! Whose are these things? I don't even like this top! Who the fuck chose this carpet?!

Until my epiphany I was one of life's plodders, I just let life lead the way, hell I didn't even LOOK where I was going! I constantly bumped into things! I'm pretty sure I was unconscious (obviously not literally) for the majority of my life, I made my decisions (big.....HUGE ones even!) at an extremely basic level....I never really engaged with myself properly to see if they were the right ones! I never asked MY opinion, I did things that felt good on a primal level (just call me cave girl) , or because I had to, or because I thought I should because other people expected me to, or because I thought that's what society expected of me; in short I made decisions like a toddler  (not even a very clever one at that, there are 2 year olds out there that are more self possessed than I was) but if you plod through just letting life happen to you like a blank canvas never owning your decisions then you'll never be happy...or even have the right to call yourself a person...

I personally woke one morning...actually I'm pretty sure I couldn't pin down and actual morning....it was a slower process than that....it was like this unsettled feeling started seeping in under the door one day and across the floor, soaked in through my shoes and my socks, through my clothes, and up my legs....until I completely absorbed the feeling of impending doom, took it on as personality trait wore it around like a really drab outfit (from OXFAM! If you're wondering; It was grey) I walked round wearing it for a bit...calling it depression when actually I think what it was an epiphany...just sitting there patiently whispering into my ear, but I just wasn't engaged enough to listen...I was plugged in...the lights were on but nobody was home.

The problem with letting life just happen to you/going through the motions/doing everything on auto pilot...(picture this: you're driving a train without properly thinking about it, you're not looking or even wearing a seat belt) is that you're letting it happen to other people too, everybody that's in any form of relationship with you (your passengers) is going to be effected by your inability to make a conscious decision and when you WAKE THE FUCK UP (or the train inevitabley crashes!) that's going to rock their world too. For me I woke up in a long term relationship where we were BOTH letting life happen to us, going along for the ride, we were just there for the popcorn, there for the show....in fact if anything we were both on self destruct making each other utterly bloody miserable! With children who deserved better, living in a house that made me feel shit (grey) , in a street that made me feel shit (grey), working in a job that made me feel shit! (Grey) So picture this; I wake up, the real me, little me, me before I let life sweep me away like some huge river or sea  (without even swimming or fighting against the tide) or something and I am in this huge woman's body....wrapped in clothes I wouldn't have chosen in a million trillion billion years surrounded by people/possessions I wouldn't have chosen coz frankly little me likes the sparkle...and I'm like 'WAIT! Hold the phone! Stop  the show! Time out! Can we get an intermission please?! This is NOT my body, these are not my clothes! This is not my LIFE! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GLITTER PEOPLE?! Then I kicked my own (adult size...zombie) arse...ninja style...like a Jedi knight....I took myself down... like a baddie from kill bill...and put little me in back charge again.

Once I had sat back and taken stock I realised even in my unconscious state I'd done a pretty damn good job on my kids so far, at least asleep (zombie/walking dead) me had realised the importance of properly rearing children! Since that day though with little me in her rightful place in charge (and driving the train with her eyes WIDE open) it's like a grey cloud has been lifted, the world looks more colourful (and sparkly), I've remembered things (hobbies) I like to do, I make conscious
decisions and have stopped letting life happen to me!  I don't regret anything that happened when I wasn't really taking any notice (when I wasn't watching the road but instead gazing out of the window dreamily) because I wouldn't be me if  not for them...and regrets breed guilt and guilt breeds anxiety and frankly I just don't have the time plus...little me isn't having any of it as we're too busy doing WHAT THE FUCK WE WANT AND COVERING THE WORLD IN GLITTER.


*footnote; what a hippy prick I sound. Oh well! No fucks! ✌🏻️💛
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Old people LOOK so sweet.

So....I was sitting this morning in the garden of our local garden centre in the sunshine and this older gentleman with a cane and a newspaper comes out and sits down at another table, I look up and smile 'it's too nice to sit inside isn't it?' he says. Awww what a lovely old man I think to myself and return to my book 'Fucks sake.' I hear him mutter under his breath as he has an altercation with the wobbly table he's sitting down at. I have a bit of a giggle at that and continue reading. Before long his wife joins him with a tray of tea...she's forgotten something (napkins) so he goes up to get them, upon his return she calls 'Eric...Eric....you need sugar as well!' 'Fuck sake!' Eric mutters under his breath and off he goes to get them...by this time the tables out here are become quite full, Eric returns with his napkins and sugar and sits down to read his paper...whilst reading his paper Eric looks up to warn a lady that the table she's about to sit at is wobbly...smiles at children playing...seems all round really charming but then under his breath (well....more like a stage whisper) whilst looking at his paper he says 'errrrgh fucking disgusting!' 'What?' says his wife 'women with tattoos!' he says.....'oooooh yeah' she says 'disgusting!' he then proceeds to point out a (slightly tattooed) lady at another table and says 'like 'er over there! DISGUSTING!'

Haaaaaaa Eric; I have one thing to say to you Sir 'Nyeeeeeeeeear ya old git!'

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My Dad's bigger than your Dad. (The modern day version)

Oh my god! 😂😂 kids are so funny;

Walking up from dropping the boy at school this morning, and all these little kids are walking in, this little girl (who was about 5, 6 at the most) turns to her mate and goes, face completely deadpan 'I don't even like my Mum.' I wonder if her Mum knows! Wonder if the poor cow deserves that? Probably bought cornflakes instead of coco pops! Makes me wonder what mine say about me?!

I've been walking up the road since carrying on their conversation in my head;
 'I don't even like my mum'
'yeah?! Well...MY Nan's a bitch!'
'Yeah well MY mum calls my Dad a fat fuck under her breath when she thinks I'm not  listening!'
'Yeah...well MY Mum sniffs glue!'
'Yeah...well MY brother's got leprosy and his FACE fell off!'

Appropriately dressed

It's one of those mornings where I'm so tired, I'm silently congratulating myself (whilst looking down at my feet) for wearing matching shoes, walking down the road smoothing the back of my (hairy) cardigan over my bum purely to check if I have a sock/pair of knickers (a discarded coathanger/pet dog/small child) attached and hanging there for all to see where I grabbed it from the washing pile this morning and threw it on without checking....having got to where I'm going I'm checking I'm not sporting a toothpaste dribble on my chin or a bogey hanging from my nose (oh don't be disgusted nobody wakes up perfect!) in the mirror in the bathroom after having rushed out of the door running late. Now I'm sitting in public discreetly feeling for the label in the back of the neck of my top to check if it's the right way round. You'll be pleased to know all is as it should be (this time) but I feel I deserve a high 5.

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SpongeBob

Are you an emotional sponge? Do you find you absorb other people's negitivity; if somebody walks in the door in a foul mood can you feel their foul mood slowly seeping under your skin like an unwelcome illness, can you catch misery like it's a cold? Do you absorb other people's bad feeling and wear it as if it's your own like a borrowed coat? STOP IT!  You are NOT spongebob! That coat is NOT yours! It's not even NICE! It doesn't even suit you! My advice is to take a leaf out of our friend the hippy's book and avoid negitive people but if you can't skip away burning joss sticks muttering 'baaaad viiiibes maaaan' spongebob is NOT a good look on a grown arse woman...ALSO buy a new coat!

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Dear Internet

Dear Internet,

I'm shattered, I'm knackered, strung out, exhausted, done in, sleepy, fuzzy, stick a fork in me I'm DONE!!! But does the universe care? No. Everything that needs doing still has to be done. The uniforms aren't going to magically wash themselves (where's Molly Weasly when you need her?!) there are no cutely animated forest animals coming to help ME clean MY house and prepare our dinner (that bitch Snow White gets all the luck!) Super nanny is NOT coming to entertain MY kids (coz my kids say please and thank-you) and Mary poppins (the fucker) is NOT coming to run round after my poorly husband. TOUGH TITS! This here is reality sweetheart so I'm afraid it's time to 'grow some balls' 'suck it up buttercup!' 'put your big girl pants on!' drink a gallon of coffee....if only I could hook up some sort of drip system 'Get down off your horse and drink your milk' (yeah I never got it either) and get the fuck on with it!