Monday, 26 September 2016

The epiphany

I'm not sure when the optimum time to have one is, but there seem to be a lot of people waiting until they're past the 30 mark to have them...some individuals are a little more evolved and have them younger I'm sure, and some are a little later and society likes to try and shoe horn them into the midlife crisis category! 'Have you seen Sheila has got a tattoo?!' Or 'Simon's bought a motorbike!' well she/he must be having a mid life crisis! I personally prefer the term epiphany.

I'm talking about the moment you wake up and think; Oh hold up! Stop! Excuse me how do I get off? Where's the emergency cord? Is there a little box with glass I should smash?! HELP! This is NOT my life! This is not the way it was supposed to go! I am not the person I imagined I'd be, whose is this house?! Whose are these things? I don't even like this top! Who the fuck chose this carpet?!

Until my epiphany I was one of life's plodders, I just let life lead the way, hell I didn't even LOOK where I was going! I constantly bumped into things! I'm pretty sure I was unconscious (obviously not literally) for the majority of my life, I made my decisions (big.....HUGE ones even!) at an extremely basic level....I never really engaged with myself properly to see if they were the right ones! I never asked MY opinion, I did things that felt good on a primal level (just call me cave girl) , or because I had to, or because I thought I should because other people expected me to, or because I thought that's what society expected of me; in short I made decisions like a toddler  (not even a very clever one at that, there are 2 year olds out there that are more self possessed than I was) but if you plod through just letting life happen to you like a blank canvas never owning your decisions then you'll never be happy...or even have the right to call yourself a person...

I personally woke one morning...actually I'm pretty sure I couldn't pin down and actual was a slower process than was like this unsettled feeling started seeping in under the door one day and across the floor, soaked in through my shoes and my socks, through my clothes, and up my legs....until I completely absorbed the feeling of impending doom, took it on as personality trait wore it around like a really drab outfit (from OXFAM! If you're wondering; It was grey) I walked round wearing it for a bit...calling it depression when actually I think what it was an epiphany...just sitting there patiently whispering into my ear, but I just wasn't engaged enough to listen...I was plugged in...the lights were on but nobody was home.

The problem with letting life just happen to you/going through the motions/doing everything on auto pilot...(picture this: you're driving a train without properly thinking about it, you're not looking or even wearing a seat belt) is that you're letting it happen to other people too, everybody that's in any form of relationship with you (your passengers) is going to be effected by your inability to make a conscious decision and when you WAKE THE FUCK UP (or the train inevitabley crashes!) that's going to rock their world too. For me I woke up in a long term relationship where we were BOTH letting life happen to us, going along for the ride, we were just there for the popcorn, there for the fact if anything we were both on self destruct making each other utterly bloody miserable! With children who deserved better, living in a house that made me feel shit (grey) , in a street that made me feel shit (grey), working in a job that made me feel shit! (Grey) So picture this; I wake up, the real me, little me, me before I let life sweep me away like some huge river or sea  (without even swimming or fighting against the tide) or something and I am in this huge woman's body....wrapped in clothes I wouldn't have chosen in a million trillion billion years surrounded by people/possessions I wouldn't have chosen coz frankly little me likes the sparkle...and I'm like 'WAIT! Hold the phone! Stop  the show! Time out! Can we get an intermission please?! This is NOT my body, these are not my clothes! This is not my LIFE! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GLITTER PEOPLE?! Then I kicked my own (adult size...zombie) a Jedi knight....I took myself down... like a baddie from kill bill...and put little me in back charge again.

Once I had sat back and taken stock I realised even in my unconscious state I'd done a pretty damn good job on my kids so far, at least asleep (zombie/walking dead) me had realised the importance of properly rearing children! Since that day though with little me in her rightful place in charge (and driving the train with her eyes WIDE open) it's like a grey cloud has been lifted, the world looks more colourful (and sparkly), I've remembered things (hobbies) I like to do, I make conscious
decisions and have stopped letting life happen to me!  I don't regret anything that happened when I wasn't really taking any notice (when I wasn't watching the road but instead gazing out of the window dreamily) because I wouldn't be me if  not for them...and regrets breed guilt and guilt breeds anxiety and frankly I just don't have the time plus...little me isn't having any of it as we're too busy doing WHAT THE FUCK WE WANT AND COVERING THE WORLD IN GLITTER.

*footnote; what a hippy prick I sound. Oh well! No fucks! ✌🏻️πŸ’›

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